This is an email I sent to my immediate Family only.  I share this because I believe you can get a better sense of the struggle & raw emotion I was feeling on March 1, 2006.

” Just a note to my immediate family members as to my current status.  As you all know, I had an infection in my Hickman Line & it was removed on Monday.  I have been on a strong antibiotic & will be for the next 10 days.  This brings with it all knew issues.  First of all, I am trying to “learn to eat” all over again.  I am currently at applesauce, mashed potatoes, thin pretzels & for supper, I ate some boxed macaroni ‘n cheese.  I am AGAIN nauseous most of the time.  (Remember: I was throwing up every day last week until we figured out the problem.)  The medication has wonderful side affects of nausea, diarrhea, etc & I do have some of them too.

As you may have guessed, I am not much up to talking right now.  I can be sitting & talking and the next minute ready to puke.  It’s no picnic.  I am not complaining just trying to get YOU to understand a little glimpse of my world.  I cried to Oneida today about all of this … I didn’t think it would be this HARD.  I am a little down & broken today as I try to again readjust eating, drinking, etc.

One bright spot for the day, Norma stopped by.  She brought me a couple of hats to wear.  She is to bring more!  Can’t wait to see what she has in her closet because she is a hat wearer!  I hope you all understand … Lisa”

I had completed the first set of radiation treatments & thought I was preparing for round 2 of chemo.  I felt so bad that it was really hard to tell where the “issue of the day” originated.  I had gone to lunch with a work friend on a Monday & threw up before leaving the restaurant.  Tuesday I threw up again.  Wednesday I was sick with chills/fever.  These were signs but I didn’t realize it.  I was slated to go in for my next round of chemo on Thursday, Feb 23.  It’s like waiting for THE CALL.  I figured we could address these oddities when I got there.  Since Hopkins does chemo 24/7, you are given an “estimated” admission date.  Now this is not necessarily the date you will be admitted, it all depends if they have empty beds.  The concept is great but living it is HELL!

I didn’t get the call on the 23rd or 24th.  By Saturday, the 25th I felt so bad I could barely function.  I was throwing up, chills & hot flashes.  We finally called Hopkins & the Dr’s on Call, we were on our way to the hospital.  I don’t remember a lot.  Only that Mom, Oneida & Sue were with me.  I remember laying in the bed shivering out of control & them putting their coats on me & then I was out.  I really don’t remember much of anything for about a good 2 days.  I HAD AN INFECTION, low potassium levels & a temperature of 104.5!   (This day almost did me in.)

By Monday, they determined the infection was in the Hickman Line, so it was removed.  Alice came to spend some time & brought her hair clippers.  That day, she shaved my head!  My hair was starting to fall out & you better believe, I was testing it around day 15, post chemo.  It was right on schedule for falling out & it was another thing that would cause me to throw up.

Alice said I LOOKED GOOD but what else was my Sister gonna say?  The top of my head felt like Dad’s with his flat-top!

While taking the first set of radiation treatments, you get to know people who have appts about the same time as you do.  It becomes like a “little family” in an odd way.  During my rough nauseous days, I was focused on “dodging smells” more than anything.  So I was not real observant on my worst days.  About a week after going on Zofran, I was approached by a little white haired lady while waiting for my radiation treatment appt.  She sat down next to me & said, “Honey, how are you doing today?”  I said, “I am ok.”  (even though I felt pretty bad)  She said, “I could see you were having a real hard time & I have been praying for you the last week.  And I just wanted to make sure you were ok.”  I was speechless & didn’t know what to say.  Eventually, I did tell her THANK YOU.  But it just goes to show you never know who’s watching & looking out for you in their own way.  I get goose bumps when I think of this encounter.

It’s difficult to explain the nausea.  I had never felt so bad as during this period of time.  I could barely lift my head off the pillow most days without wanting to throw up.  I can remember going to Radiation one day & the Nurse says to me Lisa, come here.  I go into a patient room & she says, how do you feel?  I said TERRIBLE.  I could tell by what she was saying that I LOOKED BAD too.  She took my vitals & had me wait there til my appt time.  She came back in & said I want you to take this for nausea & by the time you come out of your radiation treatment you will feel better.  I was thinking … yeah, right.  I went in for my appt & after it was all said & done, she was correct.  I could tell a difference.  She had given me a ZOFRAN pill for nausea.  Kind of like the cadillac of nausea meds in my time.  I was given a prescription for these & was warned, they are expensive.  The thing I liked best is they work for 10 – 12 hours.  Great for a person who is not a pill popper!

Yesterday several things happened but the worst was that I FELL.  I was attempting to come up the steps to my condo.  I started on my BAD LEG (which is DUMB).  None the less, I ended up on the cement at the bottom of the steps with a very distraught friend standing over me.  I have a nice “goony” on my left arm/elbow as if I slid into second base.  Otherwise, I am fine.  Bottom line is my leg would not pick up my foot to go up the steps.  This is the reason for the cane & my instability.  Other than MY PRIDE, I am fine.  Actually, I am quite grateful for my solid frame for protection in this situation.  I am sure I will look different when you see me as I have lost 25 pounds.  If my hair falls out by next week, I will truly look different.  I hope I am PRETTY, BALD & my head is not too FAT, if it comes to that!