I was not prepared for the reaction & affect my illness and absence has had on the people I would see every day.  Several people whom I consider “work acquaintances” had tears in their eyes as they talked with me.  I have received a lot of HUGS from all kinds of people.  The overall reaction was compassion for what I had experienced & genuine concern for how I am doing.  I was taken back by this & I’ll put it to you this way … when was the last time you hugged ANY Coworkers?  I guess it shows the “humanness” (if that’s a word) in everyone.  It was emotional at times for me.

And then there’s Gretchen.  A former employee of mine originally from North Carolina.  She came to my office & started talking.  All of a sudden, she started to CRY.  And I don’t mean a couple of tears.  I had to replenish her stock of tissues & tell her it was going to be OK.  She was apologetic for crying but expressed her LOVE & Concern over the hell I had been thru … these were her words.  I comforted her and she fussed about that too.  Needless to say, WE had a good CRY together as I couldn’t keep my composure once she let loose!

I made the decision to go “back to work” on Sept 20, 2006.  IT’S TIME.  I have had a hard time occupying my time & more specifically MY MIND.  I need to think of things other than the past year & my health.  It’s been a struggle to be on my own while my friends/family have all returned to PA.  I know it will be a challenge PHYSICALLY but that would be the case no matter WHEN I go back.  I will be telecommuting part of the time.

I have shared a lot of the physical aspects of my illness but not the mental or emotional stuff.  Since my last chemo treatment in July, I have struggled with “moving on”.  When I reflect on the last year, a lot of questions remain unanswered.  Why was I spared? Will the cancer return, when & where? What is next for me in terms of living? How do I get back to “normal”, etc.

I think I had a break thru last week. I purchased & read the Lance Armstrong book.  It really helped me.  I was having a hard time going from the treatment phase to “living” again.  My experience & his are identical with the exception of the anger.  I never got angry about getting or having to battle cancer.  So I couldn’t relate to that part of the book but otherwise it was really good.  It helped me to see that what I am currently experiencing is normal.  In the scheme of things, I am in Chapter 8 – Survivorship and there are 10 or 11 chapters.  I have a way to go but am dealing with everything a little better now.  I didn’t realize this STUFF is quite normal for a person in my situation.  I am no longer searching for answers to the questions above.  But this type of stuff has been at the forefront of my thinking.

My 3 month follow-up appt was good.  My white blood counts rebounded incredibly in just one week & I no longer have to take antibiotics.  I have come Out of ISOLATION!  I am so happy to be among the “living” again.  My biggest issue is fatigue.  The Dr indicated it will be with me another 2 – 3 months.  I am still doing PT.

Just in time for the HEAT, I have again lost my hair entirely.  I am totally bald this time but it’s a temporary thing, thank goodness.  Truly a minor inconvenience for living!

I had a successful “closed” MRI but had to  be sedated to accomplish it.  A load was lifted from my mind/body today.  And only NOW can I really see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I have been very burdened over having to go back for this scan.  I never thought this kind of stuff would get to me but it did/does.  I will have one of these every 3 months for the next 2 years, oh joy.  I am THANKFUL they are willing to put a team together to get people like me thru this testing.  Ever grateful.

Today is the 3 month anniversary of my surgery & very hard to believe!  Most days it seems like it was years ago.  The good news is the measurements of my right leg are within 10% of my left leg in terms of flexibility, bending, lifting, etc.  I think I will be finished with PT soon!