I have shared a lot of the physical aspects of my illness but not the mental or emotional stuff.  Since my last chemo treatment in July, I have struggled with “moving on”.  When I reflect on the last year, a lot of questions remain unanswered.  Why was I spared? Will the cancer return, when & where? What is next for me in terms of living? How do I get back to “normal”, etc.

I think I had a break thru last week. I purchased & read the Lance Armstrong book.  It really helped me.  I was having a hard time going from the treatment phase to “living” again.  My experience & his are identical with the exception of the anger.  I never got angry about getting or having to battle cancer.  So I couldn’t relate to that part of the book but otherwise it was really good.  It helped me to see that what I am currently experiencing is normal.  In the scheme of things, I am in Chapter 8 – Survivorship and there are 10 or 11 chapters.  I have a way to go but am dealing with everything a little better now.  I didn’t realize this STUFF is quite normal for a person in my situation.  I am no longer searching for answers to the questions above.  But this type of stuff has been at the forefront of my thinking.

My 3 month follow-up appt was good.  My white blood counts rebounded incredibly in just one week & I no longer have to take antibiotics.  I have come Out of ISOLATION!  I am so happy to be among the “living” again.  My biggest issue is fatigue.  The Dr indicated it will be with me another 2 – 3 months.  I am still doing PT.

Just in time for the HEAT, I have again lost my hair entirely.  I am totally bald this time but it’s a temporary thing, thank goodness.  Truly a minor inconvenience for living!

I had a successful “closed” MRI but had to  be sedated to accomplish it.  A load was lifted from my mind/body today.  And only NOW can I really see the light at the end of the tunnel.  I have been very burdened over having to go back for this scan.  I never thought this kind of stuff would get to me but it did/does.  I will have one of these every 3 months for the next 2 years, oh joy.  I am THANKFUL they are willing to put a team together to get people like me thru this testing.  Ever grateful.

Today is the 3 month anniversary of my surgery & very hard to believe!  Most days it seems like it was years ago.  The good news is the measurements of my right leg are within 10% of my left leg in terms of flexibility, bending, lifting, etc.  I think I will be finished with PT soon!

I went into the hospital on Tuesday, July 11th for my last round of chemo.  I spent just 3 days in the hospital.  Sandy came with me & again spent several weeks with me while I recovered.  I was SO HAPPY to get this treatment done, I didn’t know what to do.  I was excited but so exhausted.  My mind was doing flips but my body was no where near any of that.  My white blood count was down to a low 330 & I again went on a 10 day antibiotic regiment.    With my counts so low, I took a 2 week hiatus from physical therapy.  It was nice to not be so crazy with appts every day, plus I was dragging.  I started back to PT on July 28th, wearing masks for protection, etc.  The PT crew was great trying to help protect me from sickly people.

After my 3rd round of chemo, my hair started to fall out again.  Dora, my hair dresser, shaved my head for me!  It was so much easier with a bald head than hair all over everything.  The process of losing my hair made me want to puke.  But once it was gone, it was not a big deal.  I either wore hats or went with nothing on my head.  In the scheme of everything, the hair loss is so minimal but it’s the one thing EVERYONE NOTICES.  Believe me, people stare when you wear a hat or when you go bald.  It doesn’t really matter.  At first, I would be offended but I soon grew to ignore it … people stared no matter what!